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This trip has been a roller coaster of emotions, when I left Canada I was filled with so much hope for this little country in the heart of Africa. Within a couple of days I was plunged deep into the abyss of despair. All the work I had done personally to find a way to view both the Hutu's and the Tutsi's as victims went floating out the window after visiting the Genocide memorials and hearing our drivers testimony of his struggle to survive. Every day was filled with stories of horror that were of such magnitude I still find it impossible to reconcile them within my own mind. By the time I met up with World Vision I was filled with anger and despair over what had occurred here. I have to tell you what an amazing organization World Vision is, just when I needed it the most we spent a morning listing to a group that is supported by them tell us what they do to help facilitate forgiveness and reconciliation. We heard testimonials by perpetrators and their victims. The stories were painful and heart wrenching to hear, but the beauty of forgiveness that we witnessed between these amazing men and women was breathtaking.
We listened as Emmanuel told us how he brutally killed 17 people with a machete, one of which unknown to him had survived. That survivor, Alice sat next to him gently stroking her arm along the very spot where her hand had been severed by the blow of his machete. A very visible scar ran down the side of her face where he had struck her also. She had been clubbed in the head and shot through her shoulder with a spear. At the time she had a 9 month old baby girl that Emmanuel had sliced in half with his machete. There she sat listening to him recount the horror he had inflicted upon her and later when we all shared lunch, I sat back in amazement and watched as Emmanuel filled a plate with food and brought it over and gently handed it to her. It was beautiful and also heartbreaking to watch.
The next day I spent the entire day riding in the van sitting next to Emmanuel, I have to be honest every time our legs touched or our arms rubbed up against one another -- I thought to myself I am sitting next to a person who brutally murdered 17 people with a machete. I learned during this time that everyone of us has the capacity to be both good and bad, that we as humans are very flawed and capable of horrible things. I also learned that even though we may falter and connect with our darkest side, there is always room for forgiveness and redemption. It is what we do after our darkest hours that truly defines us as human beings. Emmanuel did things that are beyond my ability to comprehend or ever imagine anyone being capable of doing, and yet I feel empathy and an overwhelming sense of sadness for him. I have no doubt whatsoever that he is truly sorry for the things he has done -- and now as he spends his days trying to make amends for the sins of his past, he knows that there is nothing he can or ever will do that can atone for what he has done. I know this to be true because he told us in his own words that there is NOTHING in the world that has more value than the life of another and once that life has been taken, it can never be paid back.
My heart breaks for Alice who survived this horror, she prayed everyday for years that God would reveal to her who her perpetrator was, and yet when he answered her prayers she was not prepared to discover that the man she had been trying to help emotionally was the very person who had chopped off her hand, sliced her face and ultimately took the life of her 9 month old baby girl. When Emmanuel confessed to her, she ran from him. Forgiveness did not come easily, nor did it come quickly -- but eventually she found within herself the strength to forgive him and they have since, built a beautiful friendship that when witnessed could soften the hardest heart. I hope that I have within me the faith and character required to do what Alice was able to do. I know that I may not understand how Emmanuel did what he did, but who am I to judge him when his victim has forgiven what he did and considers him one of her dearest friends. I am so grateful to World Vision for the work that they do in this regard, it came to me at a time I needed it most. I told Emmanuel that he is a man of great courage, imagine yourself in his shoes. Could you stand up in a room of strangers from another country and tell them openly and honestly about the worst things you have ever done? That takes an incredible amount of courage, I like Emmanuel and every time I think of him my heart breaks a little bit more. I rode for miles in a jeep with him and another Emmanuel who is extremely famous in the region, when I asked why he was so incredibly famous I was told it was because he murdered over 50 people during the genocide. It just seems incredulous that the same man who was gently fixing the collar of a little girl I was visiting was capable of such brutality.
I started writing this post while I was still in Rwanda, I was not able to finish it and post it at the time. That is why the date on it is from days gone by. As I sit here trying to finish writing I find myself constantly overwhelmed by emotions that I could not allow myself to feel while in Rwanda. Sadness, hope, and at moments utter despair are all swirling around me and sweeping me out to a place in my heart and soul I have never been and I am struggling to find a way to keep it from pulling me under. I have seen a country that is so beautiful it defies description, and at the same time the magnitude of extreme poverty I have witnessed is breathtaking in its scope. It is every place you go, you cannot escape it. I have lived it, breathed it, smelled it and touched it -- it is hard to find hope in a place like this. Thank God that there is hope, some days it may be small and others it may be the size of a mountain, but it is always there -- you just have to find it and hold on to it and do anything and everything within your power to help it grow. Rwanda is a country full of contrasts, where there is extreme beauty you will find a past so ugly you are left speechless. Where you see no hope, suddenly there it is right in front of you shining brightly in the face of an innocent child. I loved Rwanda, the good the bad and the truly ugly, the warmth, the character and generosity of the people is amazing and we have much to learn from them.
Carol
