Wait For Me

It's been a few days now since I arrived home from Rwanda, the jet lag is starting to subside and Stephanie is back at school. The quiet inside my house is deafening and the sadness in my heart at times is overwhelming. Has this journey changed me as a person? I'd have to say no -- I changed many years ago, or maybe this is who I always was and I let life and circumstances get in the way. I knew this would be a difficult journey; I prepared myself as best I could. I faced my fears, and forged ahead to challenge myself in ways I could have never dreamed possible. I found courage and strength I never new I possessed and still it was not enough. I worked hard and gave all that I had in order to find sponsors for children I would be meeting and yes that is good, but in the grand scale of need that I was confronted with -- it was woefully insufficient. I find it hard to take comfort in the fact that I did my best; sadly I have learned that there are times in life when our best just isn't good enough. There is nothing I can tell myself to make it better when confronted with a room full of HIV positive mothers at an emergency feeding center, breast feeding their babies knowing full well that the disease that is ravaging their bodies may be passed on to their nursing child. Their options are few, feed their babies formula to negate the transmission risk and deny themselves the medications needed to stay alive. Save the babies - the mothers die. Save the mothers, and some of the babies will die. They choose the lesser of two evils, how can we who have so much allow this to happen? Knowing this would never be allowed to happen here in Canada is a bitter pill to swallow.

I discovered that I myself am deeply flawed, there were times I could not look at the children, I cowered and faltered drowning in my own inadequacies, their needs were just so great and all I had was myself. I could do nothing to ease their suffering, I wanted to run, to leave them all behind and shut my eyes. Just when I thought I could not go on another moment, tiny fingers entwined in my hair and the gentle stroking of little hands upon my skin would bring me back to reality. There in the sadness and despair, children calling photo! photo! that one small thing I could do for them brought smiles to their faces, it wasn't much but it was something.

Along with the sadness there were moments of exquisite joy and hope that seemed boundless, staring out the back window of our van as we bounced along a road that was only fit for goats to travel upon; children running behind us their little feet kicking up clouds of red dust, waving, laughing, so full of joy if made your heart ache. Suddenly there she was maybe 4 years old her bright red and white shirt caught my eye, I waved and when she saw me, a smile that could light up all of Rwanda filled her face and she began to run. She ran and ran as fast as those little legs could carry her; great big jug of water on her head be damned, she was keeping up with the big kids! The faster we went the harder she ran, the look on her face seemed to be saying wait for me! Stop the van! Stop the Van! Kathy yelled. As we pulled to a stop all of a sudden there she was smiling up at me, a look on her face like she had just won the lottery; it is a moment frozen in time, a face I will never forget, hope and innocence that was so beautiful and pure it took my breath away. Her strength and determination gives me inspiration to keep fighting for all these precious little children who deserve so much more.

When you look at her face, please keep in mind the least of what you have is more than she could ever hope for. Maybe today is the day you choose to become a hero to a little boy or girl just like her. Call me, together we can bring hope where only moments ago there was none.

Carol
email: cmarocco@shaw.ca

Home Sweet Home

We made it home Sunday night and our return has been bitter sweet. We both missed our husbands,families and conviences that we had to live without for a month, but I know that we also left a huge part of our hearts in Rwanda. The last few days have been hard trying to adjust the internal clocks in our bodies back to Edmonton time, and for me, to try to adjust myself accordingly to what people expect. It is hard to describe, but what we experianced there cannot be put into words easily as so many of our experiances need to be experianced with all of your senses. Last night while my husband and I were having a quiet supper, I could not get over how depressing it was to be sitting at the table with all the windows in the house open and not hear a thing other than cars racing up and down the street. The hundreds of birds that you could hear merrily chirping and squacking in the trees was gone, the laughter from children playing, and yelling "Muzungo" at you were gone, and the general conversation from family and friends celebrating life in the streets and surrounding business had been left behind only to reveal the dead quiet of our life here. The littlest things that we may have taken for granted there, have now become a huge void in my life.

I have had to force myself this week, to go out and do all the daily routine things that need to be done, such as getting groceries and keeping appointments, but is has all been with a heavy heart. In Rwanda there is such a great love of socializing and everyone greeting strangers and friends alike, but the past few days here I have noticed that nearly everyone you come across barely smiles and cannot make eye contact with you because they are too engrossed in their own thing. It is very confusing trying to understand why on our side of the world, where we are supposed to be so advanced in everything that we do, and yet we have lost the simple art of humanity.

The one true hope that I have for all that followed us through our journey is forgiveness and reconciliation. I hope that it has inspired you to look at your lives and at that lives that you touch and consider saying sorry to someone that has done you wrong in the past. There was no greater impact on this trip than that. There are not many Rwandans that were not touched by the horrible atrocities of the genocide and lost many if not all of their loved ones and yet alot of them have gone on to forgive and in alot of cases become great friends with the very person that may have killed their entire families. We will never be able to imagine the horror of what they went through but we can learn so much. There is nothing in our lives that is so terrible that we cannot forgive, but it takes that first step, sometimes the hardest but in the long run, the easiest. I hope that you read some of the books that we have recommended to you in the side bar, so that you can see for yourself what I mean.

Thanks for being on this journey with us and I hope that when we are able to talk to you more about it, you are inspired to help change the world....one child at a time.

Vickie